Posted by: audioofamber | January 8, 2009

Ramblings.

I got this for Christmas:

cookbook

If you have ever read a Redwall book you know how central the food is to the story.  So often I have wondered what these creations tasted like, now I can see! It didn’t have as many recipes as I’d hoped, or some of the ones I had wondered about… but how neat anyway!

On Sunday I attempted the ‘Gatehouse Spiced Tea Bread.’ I failed miserably. It got burned on the top and totally destroyed, alas.

Last night I made the ‘Turnip N’ Tater N’ Beetroot Pie’ which is definitely a notorious one. It was weird, but good I thought! The pickled beets on the side were only optional so I skipped that cause I hate beets! Ate the leftovers for lunch today :)

I felt really good last night actually. Partially probably because I got to sleep in and spend the day at home! But starting at around 3 pm I started cleaning the house, walking the dog, making dinner etc and didn’t get to sit down till 8 o’clock but to be honest it made me feel kind of good. I spent my evening with a goal to do something, keeping busy with something other than smoking weed and drinking. [Although I may have still been doing a little of this as I was productive!]

It’s so silly, my life is so overwhelmed by spending so much time dreading stuff I never actually do anything. Like, I’ll look at the same dirty corner of the bathroom every day, let it make me sad, stress about how horrible it will be to clean it, and this goes on for a long time. It would be so much easier for me to just take the few minutes to clean up what is bothering me and after I do I feel SO GOOD! I spend infinitely more time stressing about things than it takes to resolve them. I never learn though.

I am the same with everything, it’s not just chores. Christmas with my family, I dreaded for months. I had nightmares about. It ended up being pretty good actually, and it went by so quick! The months of stress leading up were so painfully for naught. But I never learn.

I even do this about things I am actually looking forward to, that I know I will enjoy. The stress of having an “obligation,” a period of time where I am expected to be going somewhere doings something other than being at home in my pajamas. I RARELY spend time with friends where I don’t think, ‘Wow, I am so glad I did this! This is a lot of fun! I will have to do this more often!’ and I inevitably say to whoever I am having a good time with, ‘This is so great, we have to hang out way more! Definitely!’ And then I fall back into my hole of fear and stress and laziness.

I do not believe that I am lazy. My actions all point to me being horribly lazy. But I think it is something else entirely that drives me to want to sit in front of my laptop all day doing nothing, thinking nothing. I think I am so overwhelmed by the daily normal life I lead, that most people take for granted, that when I am not having to deal with that I just need to hide in a bubble and rest. Then I think, is life really that much harder for me or am I just being a big baby?

Jeff was telling me about something called ‘cognitive dissonance’ in relation to stupid religious people. However, I think this is something I am plagued with. I can never think straight about anything, decide for sure how I feel about anything. I always see both sides and even when I assert opinions I can’t tell whether I really mean it, or whether I am just playing devil’s advocate. Do I want to have more of a social life? Yes and no, 1000% for each.

Not knowing your own mind gets a little tiring.

Blah.

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Responses

  1. Despite our differences I think we have a lot of the same issues. Well, then again, on the boards it is easy to talk about your life in ideals and how you think it should be, but yeah, I get this a lot too, just total dread of doing everything, like planned things, especially parties in college holy shit but that’s because they were pretty much show-off-your-cool fests. I just get really antisocial sometimes, I won’t even want to go downstairs to cook because the people we live with might be there and I’ll have to have a conversation. But yeah, after I do these social things I ALWAYS feel better, enjoy it, and then end up dreading it again later because i am an idiot.

    to get away from it I just try to keep psyching myself up about things. I don’t know if it works, sometimes I forget to do it obviously and fall into the same routine. that’s pretty much the story of my life though!

    good luck with it, just try to remember that things usually don’t suck as much as you think they will.

  2. Thanks for leaving this comment Erin. I wouldn’t imagine that from you, it seems like you are a person who likes to do a lot. So interesting when you find out people you never imagined go through similar struggles to you.

    I went out this weekend, pretty proud of myself :D I did not let the dread-demons get to me too much and I ended up being so glad I went through with it.


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