Posted by: audioofamber | November 21, 2008

Worries for a Friday.

I once had a friend. A friend who although not having spent much time together, he knew me more intimately and deeply than most people had in my life, I felt. He was wise but for so many more reasons than his age. He was so much more than a pen-pal, and was someone who I felt would always be in my life. I have not heard a word from him in months. The last paragraph I received was, “I really want to tell you what I’m doing and, more importantly hear what/how you are doing.  I will write more soon.  I’m thinking of you everyday.” Normally I would write this off as just one of those things… someone either being not who you thought they were, or simply someone being busy and growing distant. I just never expected this from this source, never expected to have numerous emails disappear into a black void, nothing left but to wonder. “I hope that through keeping in touch, I might be able to experience even one ray of your radiance as you continue to grow into the magnificent person you are becoming.” Yea, right. I am probably overreacting, and I am not pulling an old-fashioned guilt trip to presumably deaf ears, I am just airing one of the many concerns that I devote my life to being plagued by.

“Happiness, please reveal yourself to me. There are no chains around me yet still I am not free.” -Gregory Isaacs

My boyfriend sent that lyric to me last week. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It seems as I have gotten older, as I have shaped my life more and more into what I want it to be, it seems to have little impact on my overrall state of happiness. By all accounts, my life is pretty great right now. What isn’t perfect is fairly easily within my power to fix. Taking an inventory of your life is interesting. Do I have right now the things that I dreamed of as a kid that I would have in my adult life? A man I love and lust after. Check. A house I can decorate as I please, listen to music in as loud as I please etc. Check. A dog, an alright paying job, the ability to eat dinner when I please, get high when I please, watch tv when I please, do everything else when I please…. the only thing missing is the social factor I imagined myself magically attaining at some point in my life. Why then, when I have all these beautiful things, do I still feel, to melodramatisize it, tortured? My brain can never be happy with what it has; It must yearn for things in the future and feel guilt and a sad fondness for things it has left behind. I always find things to be stressed over; If one source of stress is alleviated I seem to find another to replace it. I spend so much time thinking about these things that it gives me no time for a happy life. I sometimes think that no matter what I achieve in my life, what negative things I cut out, what improvements I make or chances I take, I will always find something that just doesn’t quite let me be happy. I worry I will never find peace in this lifetime. Hopefully I am just being young and naive, like when I was 15 and couldn’t get a boyfriend and so thought I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life.


New feature, Track of the Day. The Animals – Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood. There is something about the keyboard sound of this era that often gives me goosebumps.



  1. I say we buy two powerdrills and simultaneously lobotomize each other.
    You’re too smart for this world.

    I did have something else, possibly releveant to say until that pic blew out my brain


  2. Wow it’s a combination of Pi and Last Night, two good movies!
    You haven’t seen either so you don’t get it :P

  3. Why then, when I have all these beautiful things, do I still feel, to melodramatisize it, tortured? My brain can never be happy with what it has; It must yearn for things in the future and feel guilt and a sad fondness for things it has left behind.

    I’m not here to self-promote, only to sympathize. If you read my entry for 20 November you’ll find an exploration of the very same sentiments you describe. Skip to the bottom and read up to get to the relevant part. I’ve wondered if this phenomenon is the result of a wild youth or simply a function of being a romantic neurotic. Either way it’s a pain in the ass.

    You’re going to hate me for pointing this out, I know; but I’m 38. I have everything I should want in the world. The stuff I stress about happened when I was 20-22. You live for years thinking you’ll forget, but you never really do.



  4. Heh, I do hate you for pointing that out, you’re right :P

    Romantic neurotic; pretty appropriate description for sure.

  5. If you’re not into it yet, you may like a lot of the Phil Spector produced stuff from the 60s and 70s. That Animals song remind me of it.

    He has a box set of all of the hits he worked on called “Back to Mono” that may be a good idea to steal off the internets (it even comes with a christmas album!).

    Also my favorite tune from that era is the Zombies – This Will be our Year

  6. The Zombies are great.

    I don’t know any Phil Spector though, thanks for the recommendation! :)

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