Posted by: audioofamber | November 3, 2008

Fight this generation.

This weekend I watched a documentary on metal that someone Jeff knows made. It was good, interesting, well-made for sure. The thing that struck me is how metal is touted as something where a lot of outsiders get together and feel a part of something larger than themselves. I found this especially interesting. In highschool, I tried to get into the ‘heavy’ scene. The kids I hung out with were an assortment of goths, metal heads, punks; we all hung out in ‘the cube’ at school and attended neighbourhood punk shows every weekend. Naturally when I first entered grade eight, didn’t know anyone and found myself more alienated than ever, I gravitated towards this group. It somehow never provided me with the belonging and acceptance I yearned for. Instead I found a new standard of conformity and elitism. Who had the newest Fubu clothes [or whatever was popular at that time] in high school was exchanged for who had the most spikes and leather or whatever at the shows. I don’t think this says anything about the people involved in the scene, above and beyond what it says about general human nature anyway. I think perhaps it says something about me. Even in this gathering of people who were sick of trying to live up to the mainstreams standards of adequacy, who were gathering to say ‘fuck you’ to all that, I still managed to feel outside, inadequate, alone. I think I have a special talent.

The funny part [okay well maybe this is only funny if you’re really morbid] is that this is the time in my life when I felt the most alone and rejected [I think anyway, that is a pretty tough contest.] I mean, it got tiring not being appreciated by the ‘normal people,’ but even people I felt were my equals, I felt so distant from. The one lame suicide attempt I ever made [‘No Alarms’ by Radiohead will never sound the same to me again], it was because of something this group was doing that I was left out of! How often can one say that the weirdos, the goths, the freaks, were the ones that drove them to the bottom of their loneliness and desperation?

I just learned at one point to not try to live up to anyone’s standards except my own [which can sometimes be the most difficult.] As I got older it always made me laugh, how most people’s avenue to rebel against the mainstream is to conform and buy completely into a subgenre of existence. Fit the little round pegs of their life into the little round holes of the world. Then again perhaps I am just jealous.

I should make clear that this has little to nothing to do with the movie or metal in general, just my limited experience of how the cult of the heavy touched my life.


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