Posted by: audioofamber | September 17, 2008

Materialistic winging.

My whole life has been dingy. That is a good term to use; Dingy. I finally arrived in a state this year, for the first time in my life, where everything is so shiny and sparkly and clean and new it’s like I feel out of place next to it. Funny then I decide to throw it all away and start fresh, start the struggle to ultimate materialism all over again. I wish I didn’t yearn for new and clean. Maybe all this is a lesson in realizing that none of that stuff is important. I would take profoundly overwhelmingly intensely deep love over that any day, for sure. It is way more fulfilling at the end of the day. Not to mention, mind-blowing sex is WAY more important than the bed it is occurring on. And it’s not like I can’t begin this stupid material struggle all over again. I just hesitate to, when I am not sure where we will ultimately end up, ultimately make a home, I don’t want to prematurely complicate things. It is something like how when I don’t have time for a shower in the morning. it puts me in this yucky uncomfortable mindset all day. It’s like, I love sitting on the couch so much, if I am not enjoying where I am sitting it just puts me in a weird frame of mind. Ugh. Do I have this issue because I have gone through life never knowing anything new, always getting the used, the hand-me-downs, the good enough? I never did end up having a bath in my brand new bathtub, which is something I refuse to do in ‘used’ bathtubs because the thought revolts me.

When am I going to win the lottery already? Blarg. I hate that this shit means anything to me. The funny thing is this makes me sound like a neat freak or something, but I am so not. I am a lazy slob. Even when I had all this nice stuff, and this nice space, I did as much as possible to taint it with grossness due to inaction! Maybe it’s stuff-karma. :P



  1. You need to go to “former hippie deprogramming” asap.
    My next class starts tonight around 8

    You’ve made this post to be about “stuff” but methinks it’s really about having a home. Place. Belonging.

    I’d insert yet another “goddammit it’s true!” cliche in here but….

  2. I guess so, but I mean to me a home and belonging involves things I like :P

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