My theme song since I was about six.
It is kind of scary how little I have progressed over the years. Or how aware I was of how hard the world is, even back then.
When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they’d be singing so happily,
Joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
Logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
Clinical, intellectual, cynical.There are times when all the worlds asleep,
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man.
Wont you please, please tell me what we’ve learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.Now watch what you say or they’ll be calling you a radical,
Liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Wont you sign up your name, wed like to feel you’re
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!At night, when all the worlds asleep,
The questions run so deep
For such a simple man.
Wont you please, please tell me what we’ve learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.
My life philosophy.
“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
Here is a cute doggie pal of mine.
Mayonaise.
Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
JuneWe’ll try and ease the pain
But somehow we’ll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets goI send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I’m rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
ScreamAnd I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I willMother weep the years I’m missing
All our time can’t be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feelingSo bad
When I can, I will
Words defy the plan
When I can, I willFool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I’ll always feel thisNo more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will
You’re Lucky
Don’t doubt yourself babe
Let your feet stand up for your beliefs babe
I know what’s running through your mind
You think you ought to capture time
Make love walk the straight and narrowOh oh oh
Don’t doubt yourself gal
Let what’s inside be your guide you know darn well
For all the wrongs been done to you
Is makin’ you prettier so don’t be blue
The life you’ve lived and what you’ve been through you’re luckyOh oh oh
Don’t doubt yourself when
Daylight fades and darkness begins
It’s only come to show you that
You’re the one who knows where it’s at
The rest who think they’ve got it pat know nothingOh oh oh
Don’t doubt yourself cause
At the end of your words no one applaudes
The truth is proven to be found
Harder to take the first time around
So don’t you worry it’s gonna be all rightOh oh oh
They all want me to change…
Sweet sweet sweet sweet
Little agony
I don’t know just where you’ve been
But I’ll take take take
All that you have for me
In sin
Where are we going?And they all want you to change
And they all want you to changeAnd the sad sad sad
Faces drown
In this town
Where are we goingAnd they all want you to change
Where are we going
And they all want you to change
Where are we going
I am a lucky jerk.
Unrelated to it being my birthday in a few days, just to cheer me up :D
A dozen roses. And a cute Playmobile. I think life is good, and I might actually finally be able to stop for a moment and see that. [Not that it was never good before of course... but I am finally able to stop and be here.]
Ramblings.
I got this for Christmas:
If you have ever read a Redwall book you know how central the food is to the story. So often I have wondered what these creations tasted like, now I can see! It didn’t have as many recipes as I’d hoped, or some of the ones I had wondered about… but how neat anyway!
On Sunday I attempted the ‘Gatehouse Spiced Tea Bread.’ I failed miserably. It got burned on the top and totally destroyed, alas.
Last night I made the ‘Turnip N’ Tater N’ Beetroot Pie’ which is definitely a notorious one. It was weird, but good I thought! The pickled beets on the side were only optional so I skipped that cause I hate beets! Ate the leftovers for lunch today :)
I felt really good last night actually. Partially probably because I got to sleep in and spend the day at home! But starting at around 3 pm I started cleaning the house, walking the dog, making dinner etc and didn’t get to sit down till 8 o’clock but to be honest it made me feel kind of good. I spent my evening with a goal to do something, keeping busy with something other than smoking weed and drinking. [Although I may have still been doing a little of this as I was productive!]
It’s so silly, my life is so overwhelmed by spending so much time dreading stuff I never actually do anything. Like, I’ll look at the same dirty corner of the bathroom every day, let it make me sad, stress about how horrible it will be to clean it, and this goes on for a long time. It would be so much easier for me to just take the few minutes to clean up what is bothering me and after I do I feel SO GOOD! I spend infinitely more time stressing about things than it takes to resolve them. I never learn though.
I am the same with everything, it’s not just chores. Christmas with my family, I dreaded for months. I had nightmares about. It ended up being pretty good actually, and it went by so quick! The months of stress leading up were so painfully for naught. But I never learn.
I even do this about things I am actually looking forward to, that I know I will enjoy. The stress of having an “obligation,” a period of time where I am expected to be going somewhere doings something other than being at home in my pajamas. I RARELY spend time with friends where I don’t think, ‘Wow, I am so glad I did this! This is a lot of fun! I will have to do this more often!’ and I inevitably say to whoever I am having a good time with, ‘This is so great, we have to hang out way more! Definitely!’ And then I fall back into my hole of fear and stress and laziness.
I do not believe that I am lazy. My actions all point to me being horribly lazy. But I think it is something else entirely that drives me to want to sit in front of my laptop all day doing nothing, thinking nothing. I think I am so overwhelmed by the daily normal life I lead, that most people take for granted, that when I am not having to deal with that I just need to hide in a bubble and rest. Then I think, is life really that much harder for me or am I just being a big baby?
Jeff was telling me about something called ‘cognitive dissonance’ in relation to stupid religious people. However, I think this is something I am plagued with. I can never think straight about anything, decide for sure how I feel about anything. I always see both sides and even when I assert opinions I can’t tell whether I really mean it, or whether I am just playing devil’s advocate. Do I want to have more of a social life? Yes and no, 1000% for each.
Not knowing your own mind gets a little tiring.
Blah.
Worries for a Friday.
I once had a friend. A friend who although not having spent much time together, he knew me more intimately and deeply than most people had in my life, I felt. He was wise but for so many more reasons than his age. He was so much more than a pen-pal, and was someone who I felt would always be in my life. I have not heard a word from him in months. The last paragraph I received was, “I really want to tell you what I’m doing and, more importantly hear what/how you are doing. I will write more soon. I’m thinking of you everyday.” Normally I would write this off as just one of those things… someone either being not who you thought they were, or simply someone being busy and growing distant. I just never expected this from this source, never expected to have numerous emails disappear into a black void, nothing left but to wonder. “I hope that through keeping in touch, I might be able to experience even one ray of your radiance as you continue to grow into the magnificent person you are becoming.” Yea, right. I am probably overreacting, and I am not pulling an old-fashioned guilt trip to presumably deaf ears, I am just airing one of the many concerns that I devote my life to being plagued by.
“Happiness, please reveal yourself to me. There are no chains around me yet still I am not free.” -Gregory Isaacs
My boyfriend sent that lyric to me last week. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It seems as I have gotten older, as I have shaped my life more and more into what I want it to be, it seems to have little impact on my overrall state of happiness. By all accounts, my life is pretty great right now. What isn’t perfect is fairly easily within my power to fix. Taking an inventory of your life is interesting. Do I have right now the things that I dreamed of as a kid that I would have in my adult life? A man I love and lust after. Check. A house I can decorate as I please, listen to music in as loud as I please etc. Check. A dog, an alright paying job, the ability to eat dinner when I please, get high when I please, watch tv when I please, do everything else when I please…. the only thing missing is the social factor I imagined myself magically attaining at some point in my life. Why then, when I have all these beautiful things, do I still feel, to melodramatisize it, tortured? My brain can never be happy with what it has; It must yearn for things in the future and feel guilt and a sad fondness for things it has left behind. I always find things to be stressed over; If one source of stress is alleviated I seem to find another to replace it. I spend so much time thinking about these things that it gives me no time for a happy life. I sometimes think that no matter what I achieve in my life, what negative things I cut out, what improvements I make or chances I take, I will always find something that just doesn’t quite let me be happy. I worry I will never find peace in this lifetime. Hopefully I am just being young and naive, like when I was 15 and couldn’t get a boyfriend and so thought I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life.
New feature, Track of the Day. The Animals – Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood. There is something about the keyboard sound of this era that often gives me goosebumps.
